How to deal with IT.

I get a lot of complaints from friends and family about the IT people that they deal with at their places of work. Most of the time these complaints are funny to me because I get to see the problem from both sides. So here are some tips on how to deal with your IT support.

• IT people are lazy. We have better things to do (like Stumble Upon) than fix your problems. So don't expect me to jump up and rush to your aid RIGHT NOW.
• IT people hate telephones. Don't call me unless you want to leave a voice mail that will NEVER be listened to.
• IT people love email. Email is like Caller ID for IT people and we can't live without it. I can read what YOU think the problem is, make fun of what a retard you are and THEN figure out how to fix your problem without you ever knowing that you're a total dipshit. This is win-win, trust me.
• IT people hate being ambushed. See above, email is our preferred means of communication. Don't stop me in the hallway with your problems because the only reason I ever leave my office is to piss or eat. You also run the risk that I will not be able to disguise my utter disdain for your ignorance and make you feel like an asshat.
• Have you rebooted your computer? Have you rebooted your computer? Have you rebooted your computer? Seriously, reboot your fucking computer before you even bother contacting me by any means. Every time someone comes to me with a problem the FIRST thing I ask them is...Have you rebooted your computer? Why do I ask this? To hear the sound of my own voice? No, because 9 times out of 10 you haven't rebooted your computer for days or weeks...thats insane! Reboot your computer every day and 98% of the problems you have will disappear and I can go back to Stumble Upon.
• Don't lie to IT people. This usually goes hand in hand with the whole rebooting thing. I know you're lying to me and do you honestly think that I can't tell that you didn't reboot your computer? Seriously, you need to tell me what you have done that could have caused the current problem. If you lie then I spend 2 hours fixing something that would have taken 15 minutes if I had known the truth. Once that has happens I will make it my purpose in life to make your life a living hell.
• I CAN make your life hell, don't fuck with me. Most people can't do their jobs without a computer. If you want to continue doing your job then I recommend that you go out of your way to be polite and truthful with me. I can destroy your ability to work and I will do it in such a way that will not implicate me in any fashion.
• Your home computer is a piece of shit. What ever you bought was too cheap and now it doesn't work....so what? Had you come and asked me for a recommendation prior to buying a computer I may have felt sorry for you. No, I will not come to your house and fix your computer. I'll fix it in my office on company time if YOU go and ask my boss for permission. Otherwise, good luck with the Geek Squad.
• I am not above bribery. I will accept cash, snacks and low cut shirts as payment for "priority" service.
  

There you go, keep all this in mind when dealing with your IT people and you MAY get better support.