Monday, March 29, 2010

The iPad, aka Jumbo Jesus Phone

I love my iPhone. More to the point I have a love/hate but mostly love relationship with my iPhone. That said, I'm so fucking sick of the iPad that I'm going to go on some kind of mass technology murder spree. "Man Destroys Mobile Devices In Four State Rampage"...the headlines will read.

I think the mainstream press is way to far onto Apple's bandwagon this time. Here is my winners and losers style breakdown of the iPad. This will stay here for posterity's sake so a couple of years from now I can either say Fuck You, I told you so or cringe at the very mention of this post.


  • Old School "Big" Book Publishers: The "major" publishers are looking at this as their salvation from sinking print profit margins and Amazon's perceived iron grip on book pricing. The iPad may stand a decent chance of boosting book sales in the short term but reading on a LCD screen with a backlight is never going to be an ideal solution. The real hurt will come for them when they realize that Apple makes Amazon look like Mother Fucking Theresa...just ask the music industry or an App Developer that had their "naughty" app shit-canned. Once Apple owns the delivery mechanism to millions of users what will stop them from squeezing the revenues as far as they can? Nothing, that's what.
  • App Developers: The more drunk with power Apple gets the more restrictive they will get with app approval. What's that? You'd like to develop a new web browser for our "magical" iPad? That duplicates existing functionality...denied.
  • AT&T: Their 3G network can't keep up with all the iPhone users now. Just wait until everyone is streaming shit tons of video to their magical iPads.
  • Video Content Creators: Why does my awesome video that I shot in 1080p HD look like such dogshit on this supposedly magical device? I thought letterboxing video went out with tube TVs, talk about a leap backward.
  • Retailers: Anyone that owns a store that sells books, music, games, videos or magazines. Apple become the number one music retailer in just five years. How are stores like Sam Goody doing? Ever heard of bankruptcy?
  • End Users - Web Browsing: Browsing the web on this thing is supposedly the "killer app". Who wants to browse at 1024X768 resolution on a 10" screen with no flash support? I'm sorry but I have a 24" monitor on my desk and I would venture that most people are used to a minimum of a 17" monitor these days. That resolution sucks balls.
  • End Users - Video: Low resolution shit. Apple claims it will play "HD" video but that will only happen in a seriously letterboxed window that means that about 40% of your screen will be nothing but black nothingness. Just like the good ole days of "magical" widescreen DVDs on a 4:3 SD TV.
  • End Users - Music: I'm going to go for a walk, I'll just drop this ENORMOUS FUCKING iPad in my pocket...oh wait it won't fit. Fuck it I'll just carry it. Remember when people used to get mugged for their iPods because people could be seen wearing the conspicuously white headphones? Good luck holding on to your iPad as you walk down the street. If your one of those people that sits in their house on the couch and listens to music on headphones then you need to grow up and buy a real fucking stereo.
  • End Users - Books: I think I'll go outside and read this book....NOT! I really want to finish this book but after two hours of reading it feels like I have hot pokers in my fucking brain.

  • Apple: More devices = more content = more turtlenecks. Simple.
  • App Developers: The ones that don't run afoul of Apple's ever changing policies stand to make a fortune.
  • Game Developers: Apple has made application development very easy for large developers, porting stuff across platforms is child's play for someone like EA. More platforms equals more sales and the App store makes distribution WAY easier than hand held systems like the Nintendo DS and the PSP. Not to mention the profit margin is better.
  • Magazine Publishers: Books may suffer but this device should help magazines breathe some new life into their dying format. Rich content integration like audio and video on a connected device could make for some awesome magazines. Blurring the line completely between the web and traditional print.
  • End Users - Fanboys: Apple fan boys will flock to the iPad like flies on shit. By Thanksgiving you won't be able to walk into a Starbucks without seeing some hipster douchebag typing his "important" emails and inane fucking tweets from a conspicuously noticeable table. Make sure you say hi when you see me.

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